


This is me trying

by Telescopedean



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Best Friends to Lovers, Character Death, Emotionally Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Endgame James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Into Darkness - Freeform, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy Friendship, Jim Kirk is bisexual, M/M, angst because I said so, bones is a freaking genius who brought Jim back to life like who does that he’s so smart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:56:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27924148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Telescopedean/pseuds/Telescopedean
Summary: “I was scared of facing you because I couldn’t look you in the eyes without seeing you in that goddamn body bag, and it's hard to be here looking you in the eyes right now.” He can’t help but smile as his tears are drying up and he says, “It's hard to be anywhere when all I want is you.”
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52
Collections: Bones McCoy H/C





	This is me trying

**Author's Note:**

> Hey folks! I was listening to the long pond version of Taylor Swift’s folklore album, at like 2am. I had already put “This Is Me Trying” on my Jim Kirk playlist, because it reminded me so much of him. But then I came up with this angsty?maybe cringey?oneshot. I really hope you like it, I spent three days on it because I really wanted this to be a fic I am proud of. The plot is a little dumb, and maybe rushed? It just wanted it to feel atmospheric and angsty so just go with it. I decided I’m gonna start caring less about what I think about my writing because it’s just fan fiction in the end. Also there is a lot of mention of whiskey in this fic, so if that is something triggering for you I’d recommend not reading this fic. And of course there is mention of dead Jim, so hold on tight. I also appreciate feedback, comments and kudos! Enjoy! <3

Earth sunsets are pretty, Jim knew that. He’s been to so many different planets, with magnificent sights but Jim always loved the way the sunsets looked on earth. Orange and pink tints, white clouds too. He thinks about how they look like oil paintings, as if they were painted by the sun onto blue sky. Today he is riding a motorcycle down a smooth paved road that stretches out for miles, and there are fields of ripped up grass surrounding it. The sunset in front of him is the same as he has always imagined, like an oil painting. As he twists his right wrist along with the handle bar, he can hear the roar of the bike's engine as he goes faster now. There is wind blowing hard on him, and his hair is flapping down against his forehead. He breathes the air and it smells fresh, and then he stops. The bike screeches on the barren road, and he's staring at the red sun as it sits on the horizon. It reminds him of the lights he was laying under in medbay on the enterprise. Shining in his eyes, as he’s lying there broken and dying. He shuts his eyes and feels the handlebars of his bike, his knuckles turn white as he tries not to think about Leonard. As he tries not to remember the love confession that was whispered into his ear in dying times, and the tremble of his voice when all he wanted was to say it back. He remembers where he is, he remembers he’s alive, and he’s on a motorcycle, and he’s on earth. He reminds himself that he’s staring at a sunset with vacant eyes, and he reminds himself that he hasn’t seen Leonard in two weeks.

He misses his best friend, and although he’ll never admit it, its true. Jim is sitting on his motorcycle thinking about his best friend and wondering why he’s not with him. He misses the warm conversations, and the laughter. He can’t help but realize that he’s been avoiding him, he is avoiding him because of some built up anger, because he’s mad at himself for dying. He thinks about how ridiculous this is. Suddenly he finds himself moving without thinking, doesn’t even notice it until he's already started moving off the road he was just on. He drives further now, down around the corner past a small house. He's driving fast, surpassing the speed limit, and he knows exactly where he's going. He’s speeding into the main city and he reaches a small hotel hotspot, when he screeches to a halt in front of a familiar hotel. It's ten stories tall and it is the nicest hotel in this part of town. It's darker now and he can almost see the stars, if it wasn’t for the neon sign hanging above his head. Leonards car is in the parking lot and he remembers why he is here. He remembers the room number he assigned him, and he runs straight into the nicely decorated hotel lobby. He doesn’t stop to look at the indoor waterfalls, and the twinkly lights; he’s pushing past groups of people and running into the elevator which is conveniently open for him. He’s impatiently waiting as the elevator rises and eventually stops at the third level, he's anxious now. Thinking  _ this is stupid, why am I doing this.  _ The chemical smell in the hotel isn’t helping either as he walks down the hall, peeking at each room number. It's deadly quiet and he stops at the very end of the hall. 

He doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t think about how his hands are shaking and his heart is rattling his ribs. He doesn’t think while he’s standing on the third level of the hotel, in front of room number 3113 and he’s lifting his finger to press the buzzer beside the door. He hears faint footsteps, and a familiar grumble. Then suddenly the doors slide open and Leonard is standing there in front of him, Leonard doesn’t quite know what to say but he’s there. Jim is there in his doorway, after what feels like years. There's this relief almost that he is there, and there is a look of relief then confusion on his face. Leonard looks like he always does, neat hair, nice shirt, shaven face. Jim is trying not to feel self conscious about his windblown hair, as he leans against the doorframe, he’s trying to act cocky and confident but he can’t smile, and he doesn’t know what to say. Leonard forces himself to look Jim in the eye, even though he doesn’t want to and he asks: 

“What are you doing here, Jim?” and it burns. It sounds like the start of an argument. 

Jim can tell this was a mistake, coming here was a mistake. But he doesn’t want to go. He shrugs, casually. He takes a deep breath and he finds himself fidgeting, and he looks into Leonards deep brown eyes.

“I’ve been having a hard time adjusting.” He says. He doesn’t know where it came from, but it's vulnerable for once. 

“Do you have any pain, that's abnormal after this long but-” Leonard stops himself and realizes what Jim is trying to say, he can recognize it in his voice and in his eyes. “Whiskey?” Leonard asks.

Jim nods his head and Bones moves out of the way so Jim can enter. He takes a seat on a black leather couch in the far side of the room. There is one queen sized bed, and Leonards suit case is closed and everything looks organized. He can see the city lights from the window even though they aren’t that high up, and the lamps are low in his room. There is a glass table in front of him, and Leonard places two drinks filled generously with brown liquid. They both lean back, and take slow sips, Jim chuckles lightly.

“It’s like I was invincible and now I’m not,” Jim whispers. And Bones just nods. “I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back.” He takes another sip of his whiskey and Leonard laughs.

He laughs because its not true, he laughs because he wants to tell Jim about how he couldn’t bear to look Jim in the eye because all he sees is Jim’s dead body in his mind. But he shakes his head, and he forces himself to look into Jim’s blue eyes again, and it almost feels easy. 

“Of course I cared, why do you think I tried so hard?” He asks and his whiskey is done. 

“I just mean, I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back at all, after what you said to me that night.” Jim admits. “If you wanted to see me again, after all, you’ve been avoiding me.”

Leonard doesn’t speak.

There is a moment of tense silence and just for a second it feels like Jim is pouring his heart out to a stranger, at least he didn’t pour the whiskey. Leonard doesn’t know what to say, and he’s waiting for Jim to say something else, Jim sighs and pinches the bridge between his nose. 

“I could’ve made my father proud but I went and-” He chugs down the rest of the whiskey in his glass. Leonard knows exactly what he’s saying, because he knows Jim better than anyone else. “Then I went and- and...I realize I’m not superior, not immune to death, and it scares me. And I don’t know what to say, so I came and there I was in your doorway.” He’s rambling and he doesn’t know what he’s saying but he’s honest and vulnerable for the first time in a long time around Leonard. “Because you’re the one person who makes me feel grounded.”

It’s true even after all these years, everytime he needed a “pick me up” bones was there. He was the one who grounded him every time he felt lost, or everytime he made a stupid mistake. Everytime he fucked something up, or said something stupid, he was there. Every goddamn birthday he was there for Jim, sitting there with a bottle of whiskey, and a shoulder to cry on.

“Yea well, I have a lot of regrets about that.” Leonard says. He looks up from his drink, and he says. “James t Kirk is scared of something for the first time in his life.” 

Jim laughs, he places his glass down and it clunks against the table. He can see a brown ring of liquid left over on the glass, Leonard pours a little more for each of them, and they clink their glasses together lightly before taking a sip.

“Did you mean it?” Jim asks.

“Jim, you were dying.”

“But did you mean it?” Jim asks again. 

“Of course I meant it Jim.” And he says it like he’s ashamed. “I’m in love with you. I love everything you do, I love how cocky you are and how funny you are, I love everything. For god's sake, of course I meant it.”

Jim is sitting there eyebrows crinkled as he takes in what Leonard has said, he tips his head back and laughs as he realizes exactly what Leonard is saying. What he’s feeling, what it means to love every part of a person, because he feels it too.

“But you regret it.” It’s not a question. “You regret it because you found a way to bring me back, you weren’t ever going to tell me, were you?” 

Leonard shakes his head and he’s trying to resist the urge to down his full drink. 

“I was going to sooner or later.” 

Jim nods.

“Then why were you avoiding me?” He asks. Again, Leonard says nothing. “Were you going to tell me when I was lying on my deathbed, or were you  _ actually  _ planning on telling me?” It's the loading of a metaphorical rifle, and Jim is trying to ignore the lump in his throat.

“Jim, drop it okay?”

The room goes silent, and Leonard is right. Jim should drop it, and just forget about it. But he doesn’t, he shifts closer to Leonard and Leonard retreats back. Standing up in front of him.

“James,” he takes a shaky breath, it's a warning. “Please.” 

Jim nods and he swirls his liquor around in his cup, he’s watching as it sloshes back and forth. Leonard walks towards the window, and he stands there for a moment. He places his hand on the cold glass, watches as his breath steams the window.

“Why is it so hard for you to be near me? First you love me, now you can’t stand to sit next to me on a couch?” There is anger in his voice and it's starting to sound like an attack. 

Leonard turns around and he's looking down at his feet, because he’s trying his hardest not to cry. He sighs and he crosses the room again. 

“Jim that’s not-“ and Jim immediately regrets asking as Leonard sits down with tears in his eyes, and he reaches forward to place a hand on his cheek. Leonard stiffens up but slowly allows himself to melt into the touch of the man he loves, because he is there in front of him and he misses him. He closes his eyes and his breath is shaky. A tear rolls down his cheek, and Jim quickly swipes it away. He realizes how much Leonard is hurting, and he thinks about how this is his fault, and his words shoot to kill when he’s mad.

“I’m sorry.” Jim whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

Leonard looks into his eyes, and Jim is tearing up too. He chuckles as tears spill from his eyes, and he looks towards the window to avoid looking into Leonards eyes because he can’t let him see him like this. And he thinks  _ then why am I here?  _ He's thinking about how embarrassing this is, and how he can leave right now if he wanted to. This is the most vulnerable Leonard has seen him, because he doesn’t understand what it means to feel okay with his emotions. 

“I’m sorry for getting myself killed and I’m sorry....I never meant to cause you this much trouble.” He closes his eyes tightly. “I’m trying, Leonard this is me trying.”

Jim is tired and scared, and he’s trying not to build up walls. He’s trying to build a barricade around his real emotions, because he misses his father and he misses the man that is right in front of him. And he doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for him to admit that he’s in love with him too. He doesn’t understand what he’s feeling because he didn’t even know the old man, and if he couldn’t even be loved by a father then how could he be loved by Bones?

“James,” Leonard cups his face and Jim is looking at him with tears in his eyes for the very first time. “You have nothing to be sorry for, this isn’t your fault, I was never mad, God Jim I was scared!” He’s wiping away Jims tears now, and he is gripping tightly onto the front of Leonard's shirt. “I was scared of facing you because I couldn’t look you in the eyes without seeing you in that goddamn body bag, and it's hard to be here looking you in the eyes  _ right now _ .” He can’t help but smile as his tears are drying up and he says, “It's hard to be anywhere when all I want is you.”

“I was trying to figure myself out, who I was. I was trying to remember that I’m alive and I’m here.” Jim says it with a shaky breath. “And I missed you, and even though I could've come running to you I didn’t because I didn’t believe you.” 

Leonard's hands drop from Jim’s face and Jim is up on his feet. He's thinking about the words he wants to say, he stops in front of the window and he looks towards the lights.

“Didn’t believe me?” 

Jim turns to face him, there is a look of anger and sadness on his face and then he smiles. It's a weak smile, but he’s there smiling in front of Leonard and he lets out a frustrated laugh. He's trying to tell Leonard everything that has piled up on him in the last three years, and god, he feels ridiculous. Coming all this way, to make a scene? To cry and drink whiskey? To tell Leonard how lost he felt after he brought him back to life?

“I didn’t believe you truly loved me,” he swallows, and his mouth feels dry. “Because I never once thought I was lovable.” And he’s telling the truth, even though it hurts him. “But then you came along and you taught me what it's like to be in love, what it's like to  _ be _ loved.”

Leonard places his drink down on the table, he’s leaning forward smiling up at Jim, because he is telling him how he feels for the first time in a long time.

“I didn’t know how much it hurt to fall in love with your best friend till I started falling in love with you.’’ Leonard laughs. “I kept telling myself, I kept saying ‘are you out of your mind, this is a bad idea.’ Then you died and tried my damned hardest to be your doctor and not your friend and-” 

“That's why you closed yourself off.” Jim says, and Leonard nods agreeing.

It feels like forgiveness, like he’s forgiving Leonard for avoiding him. And Jim understands because he’s been avoiding Leonard too.

Leonard is walking closer to Jim now, who is still pacing around the room; he places his hands on Jim's waist, stopping him in his tracks. 

“Now I’m just scared to lose you again.” He whispers, and Jim’s smile drops.

He’s holding Leonards face in his hands and he realizes he doesn’t want to go anywhere else without him. Because what's the point in being the captain for the most prestigious star ship, if he doesn’t get to be with the man he’s in love with?

“You’re my best friend, and when I figured out I was in love with you too...it scared the shit out of me. Fuck, Bones, it scares me so fucking much because I don’t want to ever have to leave you again. Ever.” Leonard can’t believe what he's hearing and Jim is smiling so big, and it's like he’s had a revelation. “If you left to go on the enterprise without me like you were going to in the first place, I would’ve stayed. I honestly believe I would’ve. But you came back for me and after all these years.. I realized I owe all that I have to you. And I realized how in love with you I am.”

“You don’t owe me anything.” Leonard whispers, and everything feels at peace. He reaches for the back of Jims neck, and he looks into his eyes and Jim nods. They kiss and it feels like magic, it is everything they have imagined. Jim is smiling into it and its sloppy and Jim is grasping on tight to Leonards shirt. They pull apart for a breath, and their foreheads are pressed together. “Except maybe that.” He chuckles against Jims lips, and bubbles of laughter rise from Jims gullet. 

“I love you, so much.” He whispers.

They don’t say anything more, because Jim is alive and he’s there for the first time in weeks. They don’t say anything at all because Jim is there holding onto Leonards shirt, and Leonard's hands are on Jim's waist. and Jim knows that whatever they were fighting about has resolved itself. Jim remembers where he is, he remembers that he is alive, standing in front of the man he loves, standing in his hotel room. 

  
  



End file.
